Looking around at the women I knew and saw – it seemed that aging took a stronger hold after 40. Bodies, faces, hair… I began to think that 40 was the magical age when I’d become “old.”
27 days after turning 40, I became so unbelievably sick. Life as I knew it… stopped. Dysautonomia is like a direct flight to living in an 80-year-old body.
I’m working my way back to health (a term measured in feeling, not beauty). For me, health means moderate activity – nothing strenuous enough to give me a toned body. It means medications that increase my blood volume and my weight. It means that I fight for moments of strength and joy… and I find them.
So 40 is not the magical age when I became old. It has been an age where I’ve begun to accept imperfections externally and internally. An age where I’m letting go of what the world thinks is important, in part, because I’ve “walked” through what it’s like to be bedridden; to not be able to do the wonderful, small things that give me joy – and I KNOW these small things are so much more valuable than how a dress falls and the texture of my hair. Gratitude is the best mirror.
Has being “cute” given me power over the years? Yes. I believe it has gotten me jobs. It’s the first thing my husband saw when he met me. It has made people want to be my friend or accept me into a group. My power now is strength and experience. Am I afraid to lose my external beauty? You bet! But I’m proactively making peace with it. I call to mind my friends and family who died young and never had the blessing of growing old or seeing their children grow up.
I’m seeking lessons from those who have aged before me: how they carry themselves, what they continue to contribute, and how they see the world. I want to soak up their knowledge.
I search for blogs and Instagram accounts that feature women aging to balance society’s constant messaging that youth must be attained at all costs. For me, this is an especially important step. Due to my illnesses, I’ll never be able to use fillers and Botox like so many of my peers. Sometimes, my mind wanders and I imagine a gathering with friends where I look so much older than everyone else at the table. I want to find joy at that table, not discomfort, not shame.
Do I still want to be lovely? Certainly. I’ll seek out a pretty dress and fix my hair. I’ll find a new foundation that works with aging skin, but I dont want to fight aging. I want to embrace it, to share all of its gifts. I want my spirit to have the light of youth and the experience of age, the calm of having navigated numerous seas, and the knowing that love is all that really matters… and that includes self love.
Recent Posts:
The Truths of Where I Am
I feel stronger and the gratitude I have for this is immeasurable. I am getting better about reading my body and learning my new limitations. My limitations are for my body, not my spirit. I need to rest several times throughout the day to be able to keep going. Once I get dressed, I rest.…
Making space for my new life
In this new season of life, coffee and wine have been moved to the do not consume list. While I’m okay with that, I still miss the idea of what they represented for me: company, friends, comfort, warmth… I think that’s why I’ve been reluctant to tuck away the coffee pot and wine rack. John…
The frienDship fern
I’ve adored this fern for years. I’ve protected it from deer, replanted it as it grew, and sat in its shade as it hung from the porch eave. Caring for it every morning was part of how I calmed myself. This winter, I was too sick to care for it during the freeze and it…
I didn’t know what was coming, but God did
Five years ago, my life changed. Two of the people I loved the most passed away. My grandfather who helped raise me and my cousin who was only 39. She had five-month-old twins. Trajedy like that brings clarity. I could see what really mattered and what I needed to change in my life. I was…
One good thing
Finding one good thing can make the world right again. Today, my good thing is very simple—cream of wheat. My stomach has been sick and my food choices, limited. It’s been comforting to find one warm, soothing thing that I can eat. Would you believe that it’s become my equivalent for coffee and dessert? I’m…
More than a walk
I’ve been feeling a little down lately. I think that’s normal. The world is coming alive again and it emphasizes some of my limitations. I cherish the days when I’m healthy enough to walk through the creek behind our little house. There are so many spots to stop and rest. Usually when I slow down,…
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Blessings of Chronic Illness on Instagram
Recent Posts:
Creating a “new normal” that honors God
As a people, we are not who we were pre-COVID-19. I am not who I was pre-dysautonomia diagnosis. I don’t think we would have gone through all of this to remain as we were. As we are re-emerging into new lives and routines, I think it’s worth reevaluating what living should look like. This has…
Relearning how to interact with the world when you run on a day-to-day baisis
With the world reopening and me feeling better, our schedules are getting busier again. My new limitations make things confusing to navigate. I want to say yes to taking my children to practices and birthday parties, to visiting with friends and family—but the reality is settling in that I run on a day-to-day basis and…
Our life has to be our message
I have a need to talk about what I’m living and learning right now, a calling maybe. I don’t think living with illness means you dwell in a corner and say that everything is great. I think there can be a helpful honestly here that binds us. I’m often told to be careful with what…
Leaving the house is better and harder than I thought
I’m going to be honest about the hard and good stuff… the inklings of fear that creep into our minds; the thoughts we’d rather not have; the allowing of sadness and thanksgiving in the same moment. When I get to leave the house, I’m so excited. Thus far, my outings have mostly been to church,…
My baseline – what life looks like now
With so many recent health fluctuations, I thought I’d share a little about what my daily life looks like right now. The beautiful news is that I’m fairly independent, driving, cooking, cleaning, working, parenting… Am I still sick? Yes, but I’m managing it well. I go slower, but I’m going. I attend less things, but…
The untended garden house
This is the first spring for our little garden house. It was a dream five years in the making. John worked so hard to design and build it. I researched plants and could see everything in my mind’s eye. Yet, in December, I started to feel unwell and grew sicker for the next few months.…
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